***There will be strong language and adult themes in the following post. Reader beware***

It is so bad. The worst thing I have ever read, and I’m pretty lenient on book ratings.  I just read a book about werebears and gave it 2 stars.  I would not even give 50 Shades of Grey 1 star. I read a lot of books and romance/erotica novels are one of my guilt pleasures. I have read more that I will admit but I do think it gives me a good perspective on this book.  This post is not me complaining about a genre of book I don’t enjoy.

It’s really bad. Really. I get the idea: Handsome rich guy takes you away for weekends of sexy time where you are pampered and given lavish gifts. You are so amazing that regardless of his 100s of past partners and player lifestyle he can’t think of anyone but you. The problem is 50 shades doesn’t even do this well. The characters are shallow, the writing is bad, and the dialogue is boring. There are alot of better choices.

I think this article sums it up best by saying “No new reader, however charitable, could open “Fifty Shades of Grey,” browse a few paragraphs, and reasonably conclude that the author was writing in her first language, or even her fourth. There are poignant moments when the plainest of physical actions is left dangling beyond the reach of her prose: “I slice another piece of venison, holding it against my mouth.”

Here are some notes I took while listening to the audio book:

• “I try to turn on the audio recorder, but I am all fingers and thumbs” – yes, that is how hands are built….
• ” I dropped the teabag into the hot water and almost immediately fish it out again with my spoon. I like my tea weak, I explain” – i think at this point its still hot water. There is probably more tea in the paper envelope that held the tea bag
• Christian goes into the store where Anastasia works and literally buys a rape kit. All she can ask is “so you’re a do-it-yourselfer”?
• Anastasia has the most stereotypical mexican friend ever. His name is Jose and he loves margarits and saying dios mio!
• Anastasia wonders how Christian knows it was her who drunk-dialed his cell phone.  I’m gonna guess caller ID…
• Anastasia has never drank before but knows exactly what she likes and what to order at the bar.
• Claims ‘Necrophilia’ is sex with someone in a coma
• Anastasia spends so much time flushing and blushing I’m surprised she hasn’t passed out from the blood loss.
• Anastasia is a virgin who wants to give her experienced friend a safe sex lecture.
• Christian takes Anastasia’s virginity so they can get on with contract negotiation.  why bother staying a virgin if you are gonna give it up so easy?
• “He takes his socks off one at a time” – I guess instead of jumping and kicking his feet up behind him and pulling both off at the same time like a ninja
• Comments like “Down there?” “Will it fit?” “How?” make me feel as if I am writing a book writted by a 15 year old.
• Don’t change condoms after finishing the first time and going for a second.  Gross
• Anastasia focuses a lot on food but is never hungry
• Chapter 11 was literally reading the whole sex contract. It was literally a chapter reading the contract line by line. No addition thoughts, nothing.  Seriously
• There is more, but I want to write other things in this post so I’ll stop here.

So when they finally get to the sex (chapter 8!) and Christian finds out Anastasia is a virgin he is going to handle that issue so they can get on discussing the sex contract.  This is how its described:

““I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard,” he whispers, and he slams into me.”

And this is all I can think of:

The prose is so bad they people have even developed online word generators that write 50 Shades of Grey types paragraphs.  Honestly, its proably better, there is less repetition of words than the actual book.  The lesson here is that even a computer can’t write a book as bad a this.  Don’t believe me? Here is a list of quotes from the book…

Actual quote from the book: “His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel…or something.”

Now I’m getting infuriated.  I could rant all night on this.  Let’s change pace – you want to read a “romance novel” but don’t know where to start.  What advice can I give you?

First, don’t read this book. It’s like eating a junk food you don’t like – nothing good can come of it.

Second, My favorite intro romance book to recommend to newbies is “The Sinful Nights of a Nobleman“. Good story, good sexy time, entertaining characters. Plus the world building is big enough that you could read more in the series and not get too bored.

Third, if you want to expand further into the Erotica/Romance novel genre, the best way is to find a theme you like (historical, paranormal, fantasy, vampires, etc) then going to amazon or goodreads and seeing what romance is highly rated. There are erotica/romance novels in most themes and alot are well written and with all levels of interaction from light romance to full on erotica.

Finally, I also saw this list recently but can’t vouch on the entries.  I can probably say they are all better than 50 Shades of Grey.  Happy reading!!